Minstrel's Imbroglio

I had my period. Which, if I ever make a dictionary specifically for references as to my life, under the word "period" there will definitely be the following definition:
"complete and utter hell in which I spend a minimum of five hours of my life, with all sorts of pains as company, and during which time I am unable to do absolutely anything".

The whole shiite started at 6pm - and went on until close to 12 midnight. (or is 00:00 more appropriate??)

And today, out of all the other times where I do have it, just so happens to be one of the most horrific ones ever - because it was so painful, I threw up. Twice.
Thing is, I wouldn't have minded so much if after that I immediately felt well again, but no.

I drank what must have been like tons of tea just to get my stomach to calm down. I only hope next month isn't going to be as crap. I think the last time I ever throw up because of my period was six months ago. So fingers crossed that the next time will also at least not be until another six months, if it honestly cannot be evaded.

Before you ask why I don't simply take pills to ease the pain, I'll answer that: it's because my overprotective mother doesn't trust those pills (she believes they will do me more harm than good, and since she did train to become a doctor, I do feel she knows what she's talking about). Also, it seems to be an infliction I inherited from her side of the family. She had it when she was my age, and perhaps worse because she used to faint whenever she gets it, and my grandmother had it too. And there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me other than the fact that I experience severe pains while I'm at it - so I suppose it's just one of those things I'll have to bear for being a female.


Moving on then to the actual reason behind this particular post - which is my 2010 Resolutions. Before I go into that, I thought I should explain more on what happened with some of my 2009 ones, and reflecting on my life in kaleidoscope for 2009.

I'll start first with what I did manage to achieve:

1. passed the bar exam (although I really did think that I was going to fail this,... I could've sworn I wasn't going to pass the bloody thing...)
2. read some of the books on my reading list
3. explore legal writing at work
4. learned a lot from several considerable cases
5. managed to now drive not so much like a maniac: (I am now a much calmer driver thank you,: I don't fight with insane bus drivers whose perpetual goal is to overtake every other driver out there, I don't bully motorcycles into moving to where they rightly belong which is the LEFT side of the road (because this is simply out of my hands, and I now accept with much disdain that there is just nothing I can do to make them go where I want them to go), I don't swear or flip off so much hahaha,, although I can't seem to resist honking at idiot drivers yet...)
6. managed to balance my time quite well between all my activities: coaching, assisting once in a while in the World Bank's small projects, studying for the bar exam, working, reading up on all the things on my list, writing

As for what I did not manage to achieve (read: completely failed) are as below:

1. secure where I want to go for master's
2. finish the novel I am trying to write (After the Fog Clears)
3. read up on some of the more important books I had set my eyes on early this year
4. be more diligent on executing my activities

Out of those four, what I really regret is not being able to finish the novel. I had made a timeline for expected dates of finished chapters - but I couldn't do it. And I hate it, because this was in fact, one of my priorities last year.

On the books on my reading list, this too I regret. The reason why I failed to do this, is because looking back, work really did got out of hand - that on weekends I simply didn't have the energy to read up on those list, and instead, ventured to other reading materials which are lighter and comforting.

Another thing is my character development. I had several major fights with my mother this year - and I really do mean, major. I regret that this had to happen, and I regret that I wasn't able to control my emotions better during those tense moments. While admittedly there are certain family issues which triggered these fights, and while objectively-speaking, I honestly do feel that I was justified to have been angry - at the same time I believe I should have been better. Because no matter what had happened, clearly I had the ability to stop myself from doing what I know I would later regret.

Also on character development is my tendency to procrastinate. One would never guess it of me, and perhaps, if I mention it hardly anyone would believe that I do this. But it's true. I procrastinate. I don't procrastinate badly in that I end up making a muck of my responsibilities - thankfully I've been able to meet everyone of them as well as the deadlines. But I can't deny that I could have exerted more effort and more time on all of those things, and thereby getting a much more satisfactory result. This includes taking the time to keep in touch with contacts, which is also an area of problem for me.

Specifically, the problem is with me in being able to respond promptly, which I don't. Or if I do, I can count it with the fingers on my hands. The reason, often, is because I couldn't find the words to say in response. And if I do find them, I'd think they were insufficient to be a response, and I'd then wait until inspiration strikes and I can come up with a good and worthy response.

Obviously, this isn't something I should make of a habit, because I may not have as much luxury in the future to prolong responses like this.


On work, which still relates to character development - I've been seriously challenged this year by a certain colleague in particular. Let's call the colleague 'person' to maintain neutrality.

Person, is an unbelievable human. I would hate for you to misunderstand me so I'm making it clear that I don't actually mean that in a good way. Person is unbelievable, because person has managed to show me that one can truly be so absorbed, so blind, so self-righteous, and so stubborn, that change is virtually an impossibility - if there ever is an impossibility. Working with person, for many hours and days, formed quite the major part of my 2009, constructed many of the laboring pains therein as well, but in hindsight, also forced me to learn extremely hard.

I've lost count of the many times I came home feeling inconceivably mad and ranted off online using very impolite words and expressions (fortunately not here so you're saved from reading those), and relayed every incident to my closest circle. I think I can verify that I'm not the one who's bonkers in all the drama, because everyone I know who also knows Person apparently shares my thoughts. I can therefore only conclude that Person is the one who is mad.

But now that Person is no longer there, while I feel a gratifying sense of relief, I also feel loss. Because now that I am not forced to learn by other events outside of myself, or that the lesson is not directly visible before my eyes, I have to force myself to learn them, and will myself to be trying just as hard, just as tiring, as when Person was there to challenge me.

Maybe that's why people say 'Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer' - because it's one's enemies who truthfully put variety in your life, and shift you from your comfort zone. And we need that.

Below is a photo of my old agenda, which I got for free off a magazine:


And here are some excerpts of my life in there:


Aaand another one:




This year, I couldn't find any magazine which offered agendas of good quality for free like last year :( So I've bought this one:


and this is what the inside looks like:

Clearly it is SIGNIFICANTLY and MAJORLY different from the one I used last year. It's smaller, which means I have less space to write in, but also means it is more compact so a lot more versatile to carry around. One thing I don't like about this agenda is that it doesn't have a big monthly outline - which means its harder for me to be able to schedule things as clear as last year when I could see the big picture for each month.

Change is inevitable though so I might as well deal with it.

Based on the aforementioned reflections, I now write myself the following Resolutions for 2010:

1. Secure where I want to go for Master's
2. Finish "After the Fog Clears"!
3. Be more wise emotionally
4. Finish the Reading List
5. achieve the best possible result for anyone I coach
6. Work more professionally, specifically: be more diligent, flexible, and quick on both feet on every single thing work-related
7. reply e-mails honestly as soon as possible, at least within TWO days of receiving the e-mail!
8. take better care of my health: exercise more, eat more, drink A LOT more (I hardly ever consume water and this is dangerous for my health), rest more, sleep more
9. avoid procrastinating anything
10. be more patient
11. have the ability to make sound yet timely decisions (I tend to over-think on things...)

It is my hope and aim to be able to tick off everything on that list above. If God Wills it, next year I may be able to do that.

The clock is now reading 4:06am, and lest I sign off now and go to bed, I'm already going to violate Resolution #8 lol, so I'm going.

"Suspect each moment, for it is a thief, tiptoeing away with more than it brings" - John Updike.

this may be the most random post I'm ever going to put up here...but I ventured out into this site in truth without any particular lane of thought in mind, just that I wanted to write.

Actually, I want to rant. I want to post angry words, revengeful and full of hate - for some people. Yet the tips of my fingers seems hesitant - as it lingers some mere milimetres off the keyboard, seemingly not wanting to write what I really want to come out.

I'm listening to Brighten, a band I recently discovered and am very much pleased to discover is a huge, huge talent. I love "easy to fall in love" in particular. The lyrics are so sweet, easy to catch, and singable. That's not a word I know, but you get my drift. "What she really wants" drips heavy with emotions, especially the last part that is strung out - you can really feel the pull of the song. So addictive. Simple and short of it is, is that Brighten ROCKS. Literally.

Another band I'm liking recently is A Rocket To The Moon. That's another wicked band right there.


Seeing as this is progressing wonderfully random as promised, I'm going to hit off to another topic. My brain is bursting with ideas for stories. I see the scenes, I hear the songs playing in the background, I hear the conversations between the characters. But I can't put it into words. Not yet.
Frustrated doesn't even begin to explain what I'm feeling.

And I also felt like posting the lyrics to my song. As below.


Your eyes gradually drifts to closing
by every word that I'm saying
though your occasional nod indicates you're listening
its absentmindedly-given and I can therefore not be sure of this

I've lost count of the number that we've found
ourselves to be in the exact same standing
my sitting here and your grounding there
it's all predictable and has become expected


with every time that passes
I keep my static, unchanging and unmoved
things are not getting any easier
than they were yesterday or any other time before
with every time that passes
the grey turns white and into the black
but nothing I do fixes, and nothing I do changes
it's all done, it is all gone. and I am left with
all that is commonly placed behind.



blegh. not sure if I particularly liked that one.

If it helps it's not that big of a deal
this break-up
it's not as if I' couldn't see it coming
don't feel so bad about telling me
this is the end.
You couldn't have known it might be what I wanted
and all my friends keep telling me that I'm strong
they just can't see through the lies I give out
all the time.
but don't let that phase you from breaking this up
with me
it's been so much fun
it's been one hell of a ride
but I guess I always knew that it won't last.
you're too good for me and
I'm too good for you and
things this good only lasts in fairytales.

I'm no princess
I'm no damsels in distress
I'll take this one at a time
I don't need to rush things out
and you're not my white knight
you're not here to rescue me
so end this quick
before all these tears start to fall.

I am two and twenty years of age as of months before
but have I become any wiser
and even if I have would I know?
How would I know
and how can anyone tell

The truth is often always nothing but lies
narrowed down to its barest of forms
that don't we all have, encountered?
one way or another

I need to get to the bottom
of this mess, oh all this mess
haven't done me any favors
save to confuse and frustrate
the hell out of my being
I don't want this to turn into
another of those things we could just
throw away and forget

I've never known silence to be this still
the lack of voices is damning
is coldly haunting
If rain were to fall on my head, as of right now
would I feel
it drop?
would I feel
its pressure?
and would I feel myself getting wet
because

I haven't been breathing for the longest time
the air that passes through my lungs exist
only so that I don't decay
and the impact of the bright sun
I haven't felt
It's never been warm or light in here
for ages
and I haven't been what you call alive
for sometime now
so I'll think it's wise to sleep some more
slip into these dreams where I
can at least escape from all the
bitter and the unknown
I don't want to face
No I don't ever want to face.

by: Amaryllis, February 15th 2009

and they say the apple does not fall far from the tree

well I must then be a special case

it’s either that or I’m

a failed experiment, gone bad -

I am more inclined to think that

its the latter

at this day and age where

one always seem to second-guess

at this kind of time where

nothing is ever what it seems to be

but who I am now to say

and who I am now to even think

of things the way I am thinking them to be

Oh, oh

and they say that to listen is to be wise

did they get that one right because

I’m thinking that they couldn’t be more wrong

if the listening isn’t backed with

ammunition to

protect oneself from the needles

that pierces and thorns even though

without aim or clearest of purpose

it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter anyhow

the sky does not always have

a silver lining

a rainbow lurking in

so

don’t tell me to just observe and ask me to

try and be what you think I ought to be, because

every little fallacies and lies

that you have tried your best to hide

I can see

oh

I can see only too clearly

and all that surrounds is darker

is colder and has become even more sinister

the light is never without

shadows

never free from any links or ties

to the other side

but

life is supposedly true to its form

so it is the way it is

and there is nothing else to it.

by: Amaryllis - February 15th 2009

so tell me if you have ever had enough
if you have ever felt satisfied
because I never see and
I never know
any better than this.

so tell me if you don't think this is working
if you think something needs to be done
I'm all out of ideas, I don't know what to fix.. anymore

you would constantly push only to pull me in
you would forever deny but you want in
tell me how is it fair
tell me how is it I'm to be OK

so forgive me if I now
decide to leave
forgive me if I want to go
it's not that I don't want this anymore
but I've had enough
oh I've had enough
and forgive me if I now
decide to move
away from everything that connects to you
it's not that I want to forget
but I don't want reminders
of what was here.

so there you stand and here I always am
with neither of us willing to change their stance
do you really believe that
everything will work out
the way you tell me that things will figure out
for themselves but we both know
that you have no faith in
all and everything that you're saying
so
can you blame me for wanting to leave
wanting to run and just not have to deal
with all that you've pulled and tangled up

you've never thought to say it aloud
whether you're OK and whether things need fixing
and now that everything's broken
what would you have me do
because I've had enough
yeah I've had enough of you


by: Amaryllis - February 10th 2009

It's not the first time this is happening
I've got a feeling that something inside is churning
I want to quell it down
Step on it and turn around
but every thought is a vivid reminder

every step is a relapse
of what's passed
so I am stuck here, frozen in this haze
I look like I'm high
Yeah, I am, so high

How do you get out
of feeling such imprisonment
How do you get out
when all the walls seems focused
on closing in on you
and how do you get out
when you're not even sure
that you want out
because you know at least
this serves as an excuse
to
not facing it
not meeting it eye to eye
not handling it
the way you should be

Everybody tells me 'shit happens'
Life moves on and I'm supposed to move
right along
but the whole problem's got me fixed
fixed up and I'm unraveling right on through
sometimes it's a little easier to just pretend
but once it's over you can't evade
that you're still hung up
and I am hung up
I'm still hanging high on this, oh

Now you feel like you want to drive yourself
from the wall
but everywhere you turn it's all you see
it's all you ever see
yeah you want for once to just be swallowed whole
but it won't open up, and
it won't ever open up, no

by: Amaryllis on February 2nd 2009

I wrote this one close to a month ago - the lyrics floated by my head as I walked down the stairs of my house. Random, right? I know. I definitely don't know where this came from - but I think it finished OK. I actually think it's one of my best works so far.

The Only One

I can still smell you on my skin
and breathe you in on my pillows
I can still feel your heat with my sheets
as I pull them back to keep your warmth
I am reluctant to get up
I want to linger in these messy tangles
Wait for you to walk through the door
It can't come too soon
You can't come too soon

You were so still as I watched you sleep
so unguarded, and so open
yet I knew the moment that you wake
you'll close off and renew your walls
and I would smile and tease you for it
at the most you'll call out my name
in that way of yours
that's never failed to bring me down
to my knees

and I know you don't see in my eyes
what you were so sure would be there
you don't see in my gaze
what you've convinced yourself to see
when will you ever realize
that I'm not the one
I won't be the one
who shuns you away even when you're hurting the most
and don't just don't want to be alone
I know you don't really want to be alone

so when will you give in, when will you take it for real
that
I am not leaving
You can push me away
and I'll just run back, come after you
because you're the only one
who gets me
you're the only one
who sees me as I am
and you know that I'm
the only one
who sees you this close
the only one who you let see you this close.

by: Amaryllis - January 26th

So today's post is probably going to be like the random-est ever. because there's a lot of shit going through my head right now, I really can't filter it separately.

OK so I actually can but I really would rather not do so. Not right now anyway.

FIRST 'BLAH':

I can't keep promises even to myself.

WHY?

because I promised that when I made this journal, I was going to update a lot more frequently than I do my other blogs.

Alas, words are so easy to say,- or rather, type, as is in my case, than to realise.

*blows hair off face*



So anyway, where have I been?

Working, mostly.

and God, I wish I had an exciting answer to that instead of a plain boring one but sadly, I don't.

SECOND BLAH

He's no longer single. Or at least, that's what his relationship status - or lack thereof, says.
Wtf am I talking about?

I've been having a sort of crush on this guy, which is nothing too serious - but I did like him, and did wonder whether there was a chance that we'd go anywhere. But today I find all that wonderings of mine to have gone poof into thin air, seeing as he's no longer listed himself as single.
Actually he didn't list himself as being in a relationship either, but I am a negative person - most of the time, and hence my saying so.

THIRD BLAH

I haven't finished drafting my new years resolutions, or even reflect on the last one. I'm scared to death by it, because if this is how I'm starting my 2009, I can only fear how I will fare throughout the rest of the year.
I am trying to fix that, I made a couple of notes on such resolution this morning, but work caught up with me again. *sigh*

FOURTH BLAH

I really, really, really, need to quit procrastinating, all the time.
because I'm the only disadvantaged by it. I am the only one who suffers because of it. I am the only one who loses any potential benefits which is actually within the reach of my bare hands.
fucking A.

FIFTH BLAH

I want to find my true garage band king.

SIX TH BLAH

I want - to become better, in every possible nice sense.

SEVENTH BLAH

I am, as of now, hanging in between the limbo of what I want, what I don't want, what is possible and what I should not want/do - the majority of which remains vague.


I am so random right now, it's not even funny. go figure.

Alrighty I got tagged by Simmy! Lol.

I unfortunately am not able to post a picture just yet seeing as the shelf in front of  me right now, though still mine, does not reflect me completely - those three shelves are in our other house.

Yes I can see you getting confused :D See I have this rather peculiar arrangement going on. Normal working days (thats mon-fri duh) I reside at my dad's business residence which his office provides (whose location is very convenient - central to almost everything that matters), and on weekends I am at our real home, which is like far, far, far, away. Trust me, its like shit far away. But that my real shelves are apparently in my room in that house, so until I go back this weekend, I'm afraid no photos will be accompanying this post.

I will however, answer the two questions.

My three LEAST favourite books starting from the one I hate most:

1. Twilight by Stephanie Meyer - I concur with Simmy on not, for the life of me, being able to understand why Edward loves Bella - Meyer never did explain, all we know is he's got a bloodlust for the girl. But I would rather not go into another rant about why this book sucks, as I already did that in a previous post so if ya'll curious enough about it, please feel free to check it out.  One thing though, I have never wanted to go back to the bookstore and demand my money back so bad. :S


2. On a Wicked Dawn by Stephanie Laurens - Huh, I see a pattern forming with the book's author. *shrugs* Anyway, don't get me wrong, the sex scenes were good - they are, to this day, the raunchiest thing I've ever read and I've read quite a lot so that's quite something for Laurens... but I totally hated the way she wrote the story. It was too calculated, and there were too many pauses in between sentences. I think she was aiming for emphasis or 'feel', I don't know. But all it ended up doing was making the story 'broken', as in not smoothly flowing. Another thing I didn't like was that I couldn't feel the characters' love for one another. It's not enough to just say the word see, you gotta make the readers feel them too. And this, I regret to say, did not manage to happen.

3. The Dove and The Hawk by Virginia Henley - This book is a testament as to why PEOPLE SHOULD NOT RELY ON THE BACK COVERS OF BOOKS to judge whether the story is worth a read. Because that's what I did with this story, and I didn't get what I wanted. Gah. The plot was certainly interesting, but completely ridiculous at the same time. It was too preposterous to believe to be true. You can't say to me 'its just fiction', because that's the one thing that separates fiction from reality see: fiction has to make sense. And this book? I found myself shaking my head in disbelief. Nuff said.

OKAY. TOP TEN FAVE starting from numero uno favourite (by the way, please don't confuse the 'u' in favourite as my not being able to spell properly -  I really can spell well, but I lived in London for far too long that the habit of writing in their spelling hasn't died out yet) are:

1. Since its a series, I'm just gonna count it as one whole glob - the Harry Potter books, which to me, will always remain one of the greatest thing ever written. The plot is flawless, the writing shines, the story flow was smooth as silk, and the character development superb. But my fave out of the 7 definitely has to be the third one, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

2. Julia London's The Devil's Love - which was heartwrenching, cliche but still original. I loved the character's interaction so much. It's the classic marriage for convenience plot, with a touch of gold.

3. Lisa Kleypas'  Because You're Mine - because it made my heart pop. Because I could really feel the character's feelings. Because the characters had real depth to their personality. Because it wasn't cliche.

4. David Sedaris' Me Talk Pretty One Day - which was a book I'd hunted for five years and finally got my hands on them only a couple of months ago. It. Is. A. True. Gem. Sedaris' wit is uncanny, his language simple yet pulls you in so easily you honestly do end up wondering how he does it, and his stories are one of those precious things in life that you can't measure how much.

5. Johanna Lindsey's A Loving Scoundrel - which is actually extremely difficult for me to pick out as a fave, I love almost all of Lindsey's books. You have to read one to get what I mean, the character's conversations are always very clever and sharp; you can't help loving the characters. But this one came out on top because it was arguably the most funny and loving compared to the others.

6. Francine Prose's Reading Like A Writer - because it opened my eyes to true literature. If you haven't got one already, what are you waiting for???? It's what one who has always wanted to write, has been wanting to read.

7. The Mind Gym's Give Me Time - because I owe a lot to this book. It has helped me read ten times faster, manage my time better, and focus better too. I've been slipping lately though,- I should probably take a leaf through again. o.O

8. Ayumi Shiina's Baby Love tied with Matsuri Hino's Meruppuri Prince - which are both mangas, but they're books nonetheless so that's why they're in this list. They definitely have the best character development out of all the ones I've collected.

9. Judith McNaught's Whitney My, Love tied with Something Wonderful and Once and Always - because they're both damn, damn good.  If you haven't read them, you're missing out.

10. Julia London's A Dangerous Gentleman - tied with Julia Quinn's Only A Duke Will Do. Awesome reads, they both are.


AAANnyyywaysss...

on work.- well, I start my life as a 'lawyer' today, which I can already tell will not match up to my other occupation: unemployed writer, haha,.. but again since I've only just started I suppose it's premature of me to say so. My blocked nose and constant dry cough is very distracting however. My mom hadn't wanted me to go and I was like, "Mom, it's my first day - I can't not show up!" You know, good first impressions and all that :p
But yeah, my sickness is distracting my focus. I find myself having difficulty to maintain both eyes open, let alone keep my concentration on the document I was reading. bah.

On a happier note, I'm really excited with the story I'm currently working on. It's called 'After the Fog Clears', but for more info just go here (in case the link doesn't work, the address is http://www.fictionpress.com/u/615774/ or http://www.fictionpress.com/~amaryllisfaye.)
So far the reviews have been really nice, its never failed to put a smile on my face and make my day! I love it.
I've always been jotting down ideas here and there,-but never took the time to seriously do anything about it. After spending two months at fictionpress, reading all those wonderful stories written by young talented people, I was itched to follow and see whether I could do it for real. So here I am :)

I've been wanting to address this issue for a while now but somehow have always forgotten to do it whenever I'm online, so before I forget again I'll just quickly let out my thoughts.

I don't live in the US, so unlike all if not most of the teens of America who finds themselves obsessed with Stephanie Meyer's Twilight Saga, I can be considered a virgin about it - meaning that I know shit about the books, nor did I particularly give a fuck about them.

I caught wind of the books through fictionpress, which I've become addicted to as of late, where in almost all the teenage member profiles were proclamations and heartfelt declarations that were nothing short of making a shrine of the story. The way these people go about it, you'd think there's been nothing better since Sesame Street or Disney.

Naturally then, my curiosity was pricked and I wanted to know about this book which everyone seemed to be making out to be such a huge deal out of, even close to the book series I consider legendary and few will ever equal: the Harry Potter and LOTR series.

I was even more anxious to get my hands on the book after finding out that there was a shitload of videos on youtube about Twilight. I thought, this must be a hell of a story.

So I went to Kinokuniya and bought the book - which I easily found without hassle, as it was on the Bestseller shelf which faces the entrance of the store.

At home, I proceeded to pend reading all other stories on fictionpress and elsewhere where I usually waste my day away reading, to finally read the book almost everyone's been waxing lyrical about.

I found myself - after only reading a couple of pages, disappointed at the book's inability to draw me in, to make me not want to put it down. I was very close to chucking the book away and was at that point already pissed for wasting my money on the book, but I thought I should give it more chance and give an effort to actually like it - or find that something which was so enamoring to those hooked on it like addicts on crack.

I really wish I could say at this point that I was wrong, that the book proved me wrong, that it was everything that people said it to be, that it was exactly what all the sparkling reviews at the back of its book said. I honestly, truly do wish that.
But I just can't fool myself into accepting what to me was so clearly not a masterpiece as it was made out to be.

To be fair, the plot was interesting yes. The author made a twist on the conception of Vampires - but it was nothing drastic. I suppose this had a lot to do with the fact that most vampire stories on fictionpress have twists on how the vampire works so I'm not going to dwell too much on this.

The character development was average. You'd think a book that managed to gain such worldwide recognition would have in-depth characterization like Harry Potter for example. But no.
I couldn't for the life of me understand why the hell Bella loved Edward so much - all I got after reading the approximately 6cm wide book that gave any indication whatsoever of her love, was that she was in love with his beautiful face. Period. Nothing about his nature or anything else. Then Edward's attraction to Bella itself was weird - but at least this made a bit more sense than Bella's feelings for Edward - as I must admit there is something plot-wise attractive about 'loving' someone whose blood you crave so much for.
Again though, this aspect in my opinion was not covered well - the plot was jumpy, hasty, and before you could fully appreciate what was going on all of a sudden they were supposedly a couple, without any clear dialogue about it.

Next comes the 'action' part of the story - where Bella gets chased by this vampire who wanted her blood too, which was written in a cliche way. This too was hasty and I felt that I was literally forced to understand what was going on, which was really hard since my mind had serious difficulty in accepting the story.

I realize of course that I'm only addressing the really basic plot here, I haven't made any reference to any of the other characters. But to me they weren't quite that significant to the story so I chose not to bother with it here.
So yeah - after all that, I was frankly really disappointed at the book. I was mad that people made such a big deal out of it. But what made me insanely furious, was that it was being compared to those books I mentioned earlier - Harry Potter and LOTR. What are these people on about??!!!
Those two series are legendary, are an enigma to literature most specifically fiction, and they are on a completely different universe than the whole Twilight series, never mind level. I'm also aware that I probably have no right to rant like this, but I just can't help feel angered by all these unjust comparisons. Of course Tolkien and Rowling probably don't mind, but as a reader, you just feel cheated. Or at least I did anyway. Still do as a matter of fact.

*exhales wistfully*

generally speaking, the following people:

1. who scorns at what you wear - scorning your clothing, or your supposed lack of sense, acting as if they're the epitome of fashion's creme de la creme when the truth is so far removed from it it's not even funny.
   
2. who purposely brings you down knowing that their actions will make you question your future one, thereby effectively instilling doubts in yourself of your ability and questioning the wiseness of your actions.
3. who is a complete fake. They'd put out masks to the rest of the world, as if they're this nice people they want people to believe when in front of you they go straight for the kill, without anyone knowing the wiser.
4. who are toady and sycophantic.
5. who undermines and underestimate your ability.
6. who thinks they're it. or who acts like they're it.
7. who lie so well that it becomes truth.
8. who stabs their friends in the back. You want to be a jerk, at least be honorable about it and do it upfront.
9. who are Judas-like.
10. who rants about something that they: a) know nothing about, especially if they act like they're omniscient about it b) misunderstood, especially if it's in response to something that you said, and they rant back at you as if you're so wrong for saying it and as if you have no idea of the consequence of your words or the opposite party's concern in defending their arguments.

I'm gonna make a mental note to myself to someday address each of these people fully in this blog - but today I'll be content with ranting about people I described in number 10 in the list above.

You see, there's been a debate on this issue - I'm going to have to be vague here for safety reasons, my own most importantly, but also the person I'm defending so I can't explain in detail what the issue is about - long story made short, it was instigated by a comment made by,...let's call him X.
I argued with X, pointing out the error of his argument, while at the same time acknowledging his right to be in the negative side of the issue, and acknowledging his concern. I ended our debate, saying it was pointless to continue, especially since we so obviously stand at opposite ends of the spectrum and never will see eye to eye on the matter.
Graciously, X agreed, - case closed.

Out of nowhere then, this Y person comes barging in, replying in a long blabbing manner, attacking my behaviour, insinuating that I am ignorant of X's concern, and that I do not understand where he's coming from, that I should try to see his point of view or place myself in his shoes.

Needless to say, I went berserk.

Because had this magnanimous ego possessing ninny actually bothered to take time and carefully read my posts on the issue, he will find, much to his bloody everlasting surprise, that I already did address all the crap he mentioned.

I think the reason why I'm even more pissed at it is because he was adamant, he was certain I was being narrow-minded about it, when I wasn't. To make matters worse, he was quite derogatory in his response to me, which even though the way he posted looked as if he was addressing a whole bunch of people, it was clear he was opposing me personally as he used my words specifically in his post.
GAH.

What. an. arsehole.

would totally follow my crush for the day and observe his every action so I could at least understand what's with the guy.

I dreamed of him again. This sucks because I haven't thought about him, dreamed about him, in a long, looonggg time.
Him, my unrequited crush - possibly love even - for the last four years of my life in Uni. Of which this last year I've spent - immensely gratefully, without as much heart-stricken feeling I've always had at the thought of him.

He was something close to an enigma to me. Someone who I admired from afar, me being content with just watching him, stealing glances occasionally, wondering what goes on in that beautiful head of his. Someone who from the start of my year in Uni, my heart fell for, hard.
I've always had a penchant for pretty faces, and his was indubitably beautiful. Innumerable it must be now, the amount of time I spent cursing at how eyes that pretty and a face like that was wasted on a guy. The only conclusion I gathered was that his mother must be fucking gorgeous. And since I'm passing mediocre - that definitely put a dent in my ego, and more importantly, my self-confidence.

I don't want whoever's reading this to go off on a wrong footing about me so let me declare here now, yes, I was first and foremost attracted to his face - and anyone who didn't must either be insane or a lesbian - but no, that was not the reasoning on which my falling was based.

The reason why I fell, was because I couldn't, for the life of me, comprehend how someone like him was content to ride the hideously packed train to campus from where he lives - which was obviously quite far. Why 'hideously packed'? Because the damned train is exactly that, and devastating to the eye. It's full of thieves, it's dirty, oftimes literally filled to the brim with people, that chances of getting a seat on it was practically impossible, and I haven't even mentioned the sexual harassment that sometimes happen. Or all the time. I wouldn't know really, I've never been on one. Not because I'm too good for it, but simply because my overprotective mother explicitly forbids it and visibly faints over the thought, and also because where I live doesn't exactly necessitate me to ride it. I took the bus for the first two years of Uni life, the last three of which I've driven myself, as the activities I chose to take part in required me to be highly mobile and dependence on public transportation - in all its inability to be punctual - only signifies my death.

Anyways, yes, that really was the reason why I fell for him. Because he is, much to my everlasting surprise, normal. He's down to earth. He's ...unshowy. That's not a word is it? But you get what I mean.
The fact that he's visionary-impaired somewhat, - he wears glasses - did not help my state, as I've always had a thing for guys who wears glasses. I can't explain why. It's not because of the much cliched reason either - that people who wears them reads often and looks smart, no. That, was  not why.  I just liked them I guess.

So it should be perfectly understandable then, when I found out that we apparently like the same type of music, I was ecstatic. I thought, here's one thing we have in common which can be utilized as a tool for conversation - if the opportunity ever comes that is.
And ideally, that was what should have happened. Because the opportunity did arise. I must have imagined hundreds of flowing conversations between him and myself about music - this is yet another thing I can't explain, but I felt like we had a connection here?
So what gives?
I, being the ninny that I am, was too nervous, too self-conscious, too worried, to speak my mind. Which is why, for the meager few times that chance opened, all I was able to do was mumble, briefly answer his questions - which probably gave off the impression that I was a simpleton - and look practically everywhere else but him.

Another reason why I fell was the way he carried himself. The way he walks, was weird, don't get me wrong, but there was that 'floaty' air to it  that made it look to me that he took life in a stride, and go with the flow. That he was a practical person - and one who is able to think of a practicable solution for difficult situations. That if there was an easy way to do things, why make it difficult? Of course I'm probably off my rockers here, my never actually having a decent conversation attests to that fact clearly, and anything I think of are nothing more than hunches.

I could tell he was intelligent. It was evident in his gaze. He has a way of looking at something in a particular way that you couldn't help but think to yourself, he's smart. I also know he has a compassionate nature because he apparently owns a cat. I know because he had more than a couple picture of his cat in his profile.
(God that made me look like a bloody stalker doesn't it? *winces* )
To me anyway, anyone who can care for something other than oneself must be compassionate, and more so if that something is an animal, as they require even more attention than the human person.

So yeah.
I confided in my friends of course - who would often scream in frustration at my unwillingness to go up to him and tell him how I feel.
How could I? I didn't think I possessed anything remarkable that could possibly attract him. And I've never believed in girls confessing to guys - there seemed to be something wrong with that somehow. Personally, I've never been a forward person so the thought of going to him and confess - was unthinkable.

One particular friend tried to help me by giving him hints and questions here and there.
Imagine the shock on my face when she told me that he knew how I felt about him.
Yes, the dratted guy knew.
I was rendered speechless for a whole minute, after which I panicked and got quite hysterical - how the fuck did he know? Was I that obvious? Didn't I always pretend to look elsewhere when he was near? I've never said anything to him or even attempted to incite a conversation with him - unless I was forced by the situation as my friend once did. She'd told him that she wanted some of his songs, and to transfer it to my laptop seeing as she didn't have her mp3 at the time. I was mad when she told me about this, I said to her, what the fuck am I supposed to say to him? Somehow, I managed to not sound like a complete idiot when he came over. But it was wholly uncomfortable nonetheless. I felt like he didn't even want to be there, and I just felt like crap over the whole thing.

I just couldn't figure out how he knew. But after agonizing over this, I came to accept the fact that he knew, and that there was nothing I could do about it.
What happened then you may ask.
Well, I of course hoped for some kind of positive response. Alas the world in which I'm living in is not fiction - and most especially not contemporary romance fiction, so I didn't get a happily ever after, much as I'd like and hope to.
I think after this event, he was even more distant than usual. That's the impression I got anyway. Whenever we were near each other, he always looked uncomfortable, and I had the feeling that he was saying to me, "I know you like me, but I'm sorry I don't feel the same way?"
Because he was always quite fidgety around me. He wouldn't look at me, and - god it was just so weird.

So after almost four years then, I grew tired of waiting for a response and eventually convinced myself to let it go. I figured there was nothing left of it, and I'd only be damaging myself if I allowed it to continue.
Was it ever just a crush? My instincts are telling me that it was so much more than that, that it was more than a mere infatuation because lets face it - who the hell gets infatuated and stuck on one person for almost four years?
Infatuation and crushes to me are just that exactly - a feeling of liking somebody more than in a strictly platonic sense, but for a short period of time. Of course one could argue with me here on this view but this is my personal opinion on the matter.

Was he my first love?
To this question I can honestly say no, because I had the same predicament with this one guy, lets just call him X for convenience's sake, for... it must have been close to six and a half years. The thing with that guy though, was that he moved, after a year I got to know him, he never got to found out how I felt, and I didn't get to 'admire him from afar' for longer than a year. Still, I was hinged good and well on him for more than six years so that's a moot point.

But he (not X) was definitely my first serious one. Why? Simply because I was no longer a child by the time I fell for him,. still a teenager, mind you, I was sixteen when I met him. It was a different feeling and experience for this guy than for X.

So last night, I dreamed of him again. I woke up dazed, confused, and mind-boggled to say the least. I don't understand why.
Could it be that for this last year (going on two soon) I've only simply convinced myself that I was over him but in truth I haven't? I thought I was sure about it, but after last night... I'm not sure.
I can't even say whether my dreaming of him again was a bad or good thing, because not only do I know where I truly stand over the matter, but I'm not sure I want to know.
This last year was blissful peace to me, not having to see him and pine like some idiotic fool - more so because I felt completely uncomfortable and not myself than just invisible. Right now I don't think I'm ready to even contemplate the whole thing again.
I didn't even know what he thought of me then - I'm quite positive I don't ever want to know. As they say, ignorance is bliss. And it's true. What you don't know can't hurt you. So excuse me for feeling like this, but in all probability I'm better off not knowing I guess. This way I'm free to roam and guess, albeit there is a part of me that yearns to know for certain, for no other reason than a need for closure.

Am I cursed? Yes - I think. Cursed to love deeply when I fall - or happen to fall. I can prove it twice.

well no, obviously, not officially - like I'd be demented enough as to actually seek a formal declaration of the state of my sanity (or should that be insanity?).

But I am bonkers yes. Last Friday (as in Friday 25th) I went through this 'examination' every law student here at my campus have to undergo before they graduate. It's a proceeding of some sort, where you present your thesis and then get bombarded with questions on it.
I practically went to hell and back preparing for the blasted ordeal - and that didn't even compare to the blasting I received after I finished my presentation. "blasting" here refers to the evaluation I got from all the lecturers who examined me.

Apparently I hadn't done enough of a research. Apparently I should have been aware of this cross-border currency regulation that's enforced - alas I've never been one of a news watcher so I'm literally blind to what's going on. Horrendous I know, what with me studying law and all. *sighs*
OH and apparently I can't explain myself properly in my native language - which, surprise surprise is not english, much to my dismay. Because I feel a lot more capable explaining myself in english. I'd talk in my mother tongue for a random five second before switching back to english. Call it a force of habit if you like, but I'm just more comfortable talking in english.
And yes, it showed in my writing, because my elaboration wasn't as,...smooth? Eloquent? Professional? As it should and could have been.

And there's more to come. Which I can't really be bothered to rant on here fully right now - perhaps some other time when I'm no longer overwhelmed with remorse.

I know that I didn't do my best. Blast it, I know I didn't do even a quarter of my usual standards. Thing is, I couldn't be bothered anymore. I think everything has just taken its toll on me and I've finally cracked. I am not figuratively speaking.

Hence the title of this post!

I would be either Piper from Charmed, or Allen Shore from Boston Legal

It is official - I am crazy. I am in so much trouble I don't know where to start. Fuck.
Deadline's barely two days and chapter three hasn't even reached the middle part yet. OH and guess what? I've got up till chapter five to finish, thats not to mention the stupid list of authorities. brilliant.

I can't take away my eyes from fictionpress, all the stories are just too good dang it,,I feel like wanting to read over and over again and after finishing one story I'd search for another one to futilely (is that even a word?) attempt satisfying my seemingly unquenchable thirst for romance.
It's probably coz I don't have it in my life. figures.

I. Need. To. Get. A. Life.

no- i Need to GET ON with my life.

shit.